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First Contact

Hoping for a kind E.T.

September 27th, 2019 | Science | | Comments: 0

image of Paul Rudd on Sesame Street

There’s a program on our television that’s kind of the best interpretation of us. It’s called Sesame Street. Before launching your missiles, please watch a few of these episodes.

As it concerns the first time we make contact with creatures not of this world…

  1. I can’t wait. Finally, something new in this world.
  2. I’m a bit terrified. You non-earthlings are likely much smarter than us proud, precocious primates. Please don’t kill us. I’d like to get to know you and want to learn how to communicate with you.
  3. We (humankind) haven’t made very many good movies or television shows about anyone who isn’t from here. For the record, I had nothing to do with any of these productions. Those people were just trying to sell tickets.
  4. Please don’t judge us by our leaders. They are mostly megalomaniac buffoons that none of us actually like. They are people that had no real friends in school. They are highly incompetent, undesirable, and self-seeking. The ones that aren’t that way don’t make it past the primaries. My dear extra-terrestrials, imagine if your sewer systems were anthropomorphized and given titles like Master Captain of the Poop Brigade. That’s kind of how it is determined who will “lead” us. The ” character used in the former sentence indicates that the word enclosed by those characters is a way of expressing a fabulously dissatisfactory falling short of the ideal. In other words, our leaders are idiots, which is an English word for turds who belong in a sewer system. At your earliest convenience please feel free to relieve us of our lemon-cotton-candy-topped Cheeto-in-chief. He’s basically one of the worst one of us.
  5. If anyone not from Earth has any life pro tips, please comment below. Humans, I’ve heard the best arguments we have, so unless it’s extremely novel, puhlease abstain from commenting. Thanks.
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